fleet in being.

 ...I don't know what to think. They scream, we scream, emotions are present just like back when we were 14 years old. They steal those pans and pods and knifes and plates. The common kitchen is emptier, with every robbery, because they are having fun. Amazing laughs, that do not let me work, neither rest. But I can't join them, it's too much. I am supposted to be a responsible adult, a good looking fiance sooner than a crazy teenage volunteer. It happened though. I am now here, driven by the emotions. His eyes, their madness. His joy and lack of tools to handle this life. It is crazy. It is madness.  I am driven by your eyes, and a smile and a nice touch.  Sitting near you on the couch,  When you do not look, I long to you, for a hearbeat. I long for you, but they are here and I agree.  I am driven by adventure, today, tomorrow, yesterday, no.  All this happened next to me,  For me, within me, I don't know.  I am driven, wonder why, difficult, cr...

Recently, I talk a lot about how much I like writing, but actually do not write a lot these days. I'm writing because I have to, for work, for university. I tell people, that describing the reality is somehow my passion, and in meantime I have no idea what is real and I put off my writing for ever and procrastinate. Some moments in our lifes, some affairs like this one, opens up something in me again. Something, that used to dig its place very deep in me, in order to never see the light of the day. But suddenly, things happen and I want to remember how to feel, I want to stop those beautiful moments and keep them in a perfect shape for the sake of my heart and my wellbeing, to posses them forever. I want to rearrange them, into twenty seven letters, written repeatedly, over and over till I can breath again.  But I cannot breath. Volunteering. The decision that was not really thought through, stupid and childish escape from adulthood that I am facing. The last dive into irresponsibi...

Chciałam napisać do siebie list, no taki ładny, zupełnie tak jak piszą w filmach. Wyobrażałam sobie jak go piszę i zaklejam w kopercie, a potem otwieram ze łzami w oczach starsza o dekadę lub dwie... podobała mi się ta myśl. Ale jednak nie potrafię się zdecydować co jest wogóle warte tak długiego elaboratu w wołaczu ( o, Klaudio! ). Zamiast tego zjechałam w otchłań najstarszych postów blogowych, które już dawno zasłużyły na zmianę statusu na z opublikowany na wersja robocza . To chyba trochę urocze, jak dużo było we mnie miłości w moich dniach młodzieńczych, jak dużo tam było natchnienia, prób łapania oddechu, płacząc w głos, i jak dużo było słów. Chcąc cokolwiek powiedzieć o moim stylu pisania trzeba przynać, że zawsze miałam w sobie bardzo dużo emocji, które nie raz po prostu przytłaczały zdolności literackie. Żadna ze mnie dziennikarka czy poetka, ale jak najbardziej narratorka. Od zawsze grana przeze mnie w dziecięcych przedstawieniach rola okazuje się w rzeczywistości moją rolą ż...

The woman I became costed me people, relationships, spaces, material things... and it costed me people. But I choose her over everything. And I believe it's hard work being A PERSON - you have to do it every single day. You can feel there were years  not worth a single day, and you can feel that there are hours worth twice as much. I don't know how long I lasted with this rollercoaster of emotions, each time so high. This years was so intense. And here we are. I feel yours kisses on my forehead each time I moved at night. And I knew, that sometimes peace in heart is as important as butterflies in stomach. But maybe relationship should be al dente. Sometimes I just want to watch you working on your laptop, and sometimes I want you to make love to me, enough loud to make everyone annoyed with our happiness. I still remember theirs smiles, I can recognize their faces and still put it into the correct order in my life. Sometimes all these sad facts seem to stop matter, because h...

Don't mind me, dear. I know that I shouldn't blame such a thing like a period for my bad mood and unpredictable behaviour. Sometimes demons come and you don't have the energy to face them - so when he chased away my demons with the stars in his eyes I couldn't imagine better support. We are together, we can be with each other and we'll figure out the details later. We are a miracle, searching for someone to believe in us. And if tomorrow can bring new hope I always hope it brings you. Odkryłam, że nie bardzo potrafię pisać po angielsku w emocjach. Więc szybko wróciłam do domu, potulnie wyjęłam laptopa z torby, położyłam na biurku i włączyłam. W całej tej ekscytacji zapomniałam zmienić język klawiatury spowrotem na polski, więc kilka pierwszych zdań kaleczyło moje oczy brakiem odpowiednich końcówek i zmiękczeń aż do momentu kiedy te swoje wypociny zredagowałam. Wiedziałam, że powinnam robić teraz inne rzeczy - uczyć się do egzaminów, które czekały tuż za rogiem jak...

I really wanted to talk, to tell everything that is on my mind... And it's so weird when I'm moving in the wrong direction, running away from you. Even if all these walks at night counts, today's night is cold and disgusting. Walks after parties, when you grabbed my hips. When we were flirting. You must know that I had a big hug for you anytime you needed one because I know how rare we are nowadays - we grew when the rain fell and when we are fed by the light. We are all miracles searching for someone to believe in us. But I'll tell you something. " I love the way you say tomorrow like there's so much room left for us to grow ". What a rush it is, to look at you and know that kindness exists. You always have our conversations comfortably, you're always carrying. I close my eyes now, in this room and with all my faith I wish I could believe you at the beginning of our journey. I wish I could be smarter, a believer, a child with a simple empty soul. Do ...

I would like to have a group, a group called butterfly society in which the members could declare any day Christmas and the rest would come over and celebrate it. I would celebrate being silly, insecure, being shying but as well a little bit sexy or cute  af . And not being sorry about that. I think that people who really care about me would like to come - just to see me happy. Because if you care about someone you want to see her or him happy, don't you? You want them to look at you just like you are a piece of their hearts. You want him to look at you like you are all of his desires and at least one more, that he never thought about. Being sure that he really enjoys sleeping beside you every night is probably the thing that makes your nightmares go away. These useless arguments about your own body - it echoes in your head as a spell when he is inside you, together with his whisper. Sometimes you don't have to speak to each other, you can't find the right words to say wh...